Tag Archives: spiritual awakening


29 Dec

People come to a mystical experience through difficulties and hardships in life. No one comes to this place because of easy circumstances.  The top five most stressful life events include 1- death 2- divorce 3- change of employment 4 – relationship change 5- illness. Any one of these situations can cause a person to reach a deep psychological bottom which causes them to surrender emotionally and spiritually to the uncontrollable forces of life and the stage is set for Source to enter with an energetic interception.

The events preceding my spiritual experience were also significant and impacting upon my life. As they say, “order is born of chaos”, and so, my soul was in dire chaos; probably the worse of my life. My choices had brought me to a significant impasse and on this day, I had to literally make the decision to live or die. I had reached a crossroads and was “down on my knees”. To my amazement, I found that this decision was not entirely in my hands.

pink cloud…

The point of this writing and this book is to validate to another person the experience of mystical shifting.  To that end, and thorughout the book I will share what happened to me with you to see if it feels familiar. In my case things began to change for me right away and for about two weeks, I remained in a state of complete euphoria. Everything seemed perfectly synchronous. I was making connections and having revelations at every turn. Everything I did drove me to help and be there for another person. I looked for ways to help people in my days. But the most important change that occurred was that, in my own personal history, I now sought the Truth and began wanting to know the Truth, fearlessly, about every dark corner of my thoughts and beliefs. It was then that I felt I needed t actually capitalize the word Truth, such was the importance it held for me. Any dishonesty I had in my head or heart, no longer was able to be contained there. I began “coming clean” with people in my life, and making real honest decisions about how I felt and what I wanted.  

Through writing, I looked for the deep down nasty bitter truth in every single action and thought I entertained. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I sat quietly, then I raged.  I lived through anger that was almost unbearable, and I feared for my own safety and the safety of my family from my temper outbursts and unreasonable expectations. I was a ball of fear and frustration and I had to face my most critical demon; my ego. And it was a fight I could only do alone; as my family watched helpless to do anything to relieve the mental and moral pain I was in, this is the journey in the desert every truth seeker needs to make.  We make this journey alone, without family or friends but not without resources.  I had NO CHOICE but to call upon a Higher Power…something greater than me. My ego had become so distorted as a result of my childhood and early life learning that I was no longer able to only use my 5 sense to make decisions about my life. Time had run out on that for me. I now had to learn how to rely more on my intuition than I ever had in my life. Some call it faith. Whatever it was, it was absolutely driving me to find out the Truth about how I felt, what I believed,  who I was, what I wanted and most importantly, WHY I wanted.

Very soon, I realized that what I was beginning to understand for myself as an individual was occurring to people around me, in new people I met, in the newspaper, on the news, in books, radio, songs, poems, strangers, old friends…people were awakening to a new understanding of our reality. And someone had to be brave enough to say it out loud, so that we could get past the wonder and fear a soon as possible and get to finding a solution for our world through a combination of all the scientific and cultural disciplines, that have until now, remained disparately apart and incongruent. There is no more time for incongruence, and the faster we realize this, the faster we will join our resources to create the technology that is required to move forward. Whether that means saving this world or creating another; which is a very real possibility, and we need to get over it and get serious very quickly. In this case time is very relevant.

Following my experience, I received sign after sign, coincidence after coincidence that things had changed. My perception of people, places and things completely altered. And at times, when I would slip back into my disconnected ego mind, (which is what I call anything that is not of my God mind), then I experience human slips, and I feel the separation starkly. I have discovered even these painful times, when we feel so disconnected and alone and frightened, are just as necessary as the moments of revelation and congruency; without one, we would never need or know the other.

            During the first few weeks, I spent quite a bit of time believing that I was completely loosing my mind. I had gone from “bi-polar rapid cycling manic depression”, this label I carried around with me for weeks thinking it was “who I was” – to something else, but I didn’t have words or understanding of it yet.

            From my journal 2 months after the dream…

 “The events that have occurred to me, miracle after glorious miracle, have unravelled around me. So great has been my overflowing joy and complete stunned wonderment, that I constantly seem to be giving myself a psychological “pinch” to ensure that I have not gone completely insane and have finally disconnected myself from reality. I must be crazy – but it feels great.”

My fear of “insanity” was a valid fear, having been raised in a very alcoholic home with several suicidal role models, I had spent a great deal of my first 30 years just trying NOT to be crazy.

“Not it seems, even when I want to, I cannot shut it off. My fears of loosing this new awesome way of viewing life seem to be, against all the odds of a strong and stubborn mind, becoming a resolutely inseperable part of my being. “

Soon afterwards I would try my hand at “freestyle channelled writing”. I would receive great revelations that would take days and weeks and months to acknowledge and integrate into my life.

“The only failure we can observe in life is n failing to recognize that our greatest trials can elevate us to heights of joy that are unimaginable to anyone who has not suffered. Those who choose the path of least resistance will continue to do so until they are compelled to choose something to rest upon.”

I had decided to stop wandering and rest…on the Truth.

More and more revelations followed.

I experienced personal miracles, and a real direct communication from Source that I was on the right track.

 April 10, 2010

What I am beginning to understand is that there really never HAS BEEN a beginning or an ending – to ANYTHING. It’s all one big continuation, like a wave that comes under and feeds itself perpetually. There lies a REAL miracle! Where does God get his energy from? I’m afraid to say “Us” because that sounds so un-humble, but I will venture to do so. The energy works in reciprocity.”

 Other aspects changes, like my relationship with animals. I understand that what happened was that the Source of my being, the source of everything, opened within me with that dream. So, the result was that, unbeknownst to me, I was able to feel animals in a very different way. Over weeks I began to observe my animals change in reaction to me. I no longer felt fear in any circumstance, and was able to attract animals that normally would have been indifferent or would have avoided me altogether. I began to become aware of the language my horses spoke to one another;

  April 6, 2010

“Another revelation? In observing my horses at lunch today, I realize that even in the most discreet of their interactions, they were always speaking some sort of awesome ancient language. When I am amongst the herd, for example, they have to have made some silent communication of agreement that I am not a threat, a judgment on my character. Trust. This agreement was not made visible to me, but I am sure there is one leader, probably Master (my senior horse), who always seems to be on sentry duty. How amazing.”

 This is the same ancient language that moves through us all, from one into the other. Every thoughts, every decision and every choice you make results in a flow of circumstances. Within ‘The All that is everything”, is us and we are it.  We are conduits of energy, just like my dog and just like the sun.  All performing an exquisitely choreographed dance of love.



31 May


“The Mystic’s time has come again” ~Caroline Myss “Entering The Castle”

According to author and spiritual teacher Caroline Myss, a mystic is “someone who is called to know the divine through its mysteries”. The call comes in any variety of forms. If you are attracted to this topic enough to be reading about it, you have probably had a mystical experience and may be seeking validation of the experience through what is written here and elsewhere.  Maybe you have had some experiences that have given you a clear indication that you are not alone. Maybe you have had a supernatural experience or have received intuition that seemed unlikely but then was validated. Whatever your experiences are – your life holds a magical quality to it that wasn’t present before and it may all seem very unreal.

The basic universal law of free will dictates that you have choices: You can either use the experience and live like it happened or you can deny it and live like you have been; the choice is yours. Like many people, you probably come from a point of view that these types of things only happen to “special” people with unique qualifications or degrees and lifestyles; monks who live in caves and survive in seclusion or other individuals who have given up all their worldly material attachments to devote themselves to spiritual pursuits. Eons ago and through the ages of historical evolution, we as a race began to believe that were not able to have direct communication with the divine, or that the divine was unable to communicate with us. This incorrect perception of who we really are is the root cause of all of our problems and this is the correcting time.

These shifts in perception are hard-won usually coming through people who have had a rough time of it; the way one gets to a shift is not usually through a great deal of easy living.  Usually, a shift occurs when life is unhappy, threatened, unstable and frightening.  Shifts occur to people who are on the edge and often ready to jump – standing at the crossroads as the song says. But let’s face it. Life isn’t easy or fair and if you haven’t heard the news,  it’s not supposed to be. The point of life is to be able to accept the situations that cross your path and know yourself better through them. You can either know yourself honestly or know yourself in the twisted context of your past and of the culture that surrounds you, your parents and friends and work place.  To know yourself honestly means to be in deep intimate touch with the clear objective reasons why you make the choices you make and have the thoughts you have.

For example, why do you believe what you believe? Did you arrive at your conclusions independently or are you following directions which may or may not reflect what your life needs?Most of us begin by believing what we believe because we are told it is how “everyone thinks”. Emulation is our primary method of survival as a species, so we imitate, and look for approval. A mystical experience will demand you come to terms with your own truth, within yourself, independent of anyone’s approval.

Mystical connection and communication with Source is available to every single human being.  Everyone has the capacity to send and receive information to the universal source that is All Life.   Intuition is what we were given to enable this communication; thought and emotion is what allows us to interpret and understand the communication.  In fact we are communicating with God all the time – we just aren’t aware of it.  Mystical experiences bring a heightened sense of awareness to every event that transpires in your life.


Shifting does  not seem to be an experience that you can create, although some practices including yoga, meditation and use of certain psychedelic drugs can bring on similar feelings of euphoria and connection, even allowing the opening of the portal for the experience through stimulation of the pineal gland in the brain. ANd it isn’t that God is choosing who is worthy or who is judged by Him to be “good” or “bad”.  The opening of  communication happens simply when you are ready and when it is time.   The experience of awakening itself can only be “received” from the divine source from which it emanates.  This is what some people call “grace”.  It is not a value judgement by God. It is a moment in time where the source of universal energy aligns itself with your conscious mind and allows you an opportune glimpse of the true reality you are born into in this life. It produces a feeling of clarity of thought, boundless joy, fearlessness and an endlessness and continuity which comes from an identity you have deep within your essential self.

The only qualification you need for a shift is readiness. But believing that you are worthy of the experience and that it is authentic is another hurdle. Like a battle between the soul and the ego, the soul speaks quietly in a voice which is difficult to translate because it emanates from behind your conscious thought.  Of course we often have a belief that only “special” individuals are able to have an experience of enlightenment. But again, it has everything to do with the universe aligning itself with what you know inside you are ready for.  Today, maybe because of the terrible state of affairs we find our world steeped in,  many people are standing at this place as the global shift pattern that we are observing seems to indicate that a generation of individuals who are  coming into readiness to receive what needs to be relayed.

There is a new way of seeing life that has opened up to you and because it is so different from what you have been told to expect of and from life it takes time and circumstances to rearrange the perceptions you may have. The most important validation you can receive about your experiences will come from inside of yourself when you realize that your experience is trustworthy – that you are trustworthy.  After your shift, you may find that you become poignantly aware of are an incredible number of synchronicities and seemingly magical interferences. Eventually you will be able to rely upon them more consistently as you learn to understand and listen to your inner-self whose voice you came to understand in the experience.  Problems no longer become “problems” as much as the next stage of understanding. Every situation or “problem” that crosses your path can be viewed as another opportunity for deeper understanding and connection to Source.  What you may have experienced before as “chaos” and pain may very well now be viewed simply as a situation, another experience with which you will learn and move forward creatively once again.  You will find with this new adventurous and aligned attitude towards life’s hurdles you even come to enjoy certain challenges that may have previously caused you tremendous anxiety. As they say in the promises associated with the 12 steps, “your whole attitude and outlook upon life will change” – and this is only the beginning.


26 May

ImageThe best way to explain what happened to me is that my life received divine intervention; mystical experience of such magnitude and power beyond what I could ever have imagined was possible, that every way I thought I saw the world changed and opened up.  I was filled with feelings and possibility that simply did not exist before.    This shift had to have come from a “power greater than myself” because every single aspect of my life changed from then onwards.  In the experience, I was given a glimpse of our human nature – of who we really are. Some people call it a spiritual experience or a moment of enlightenment.  It very much paralleled a near death – although I was very much alive. A cosmic brainwashing; which was exactly what I needed.

For a long time I struggled with the “why me?” of the experience, but then realized quickly that this was not my question to ask. Everyone has to ability to connect to the divine – but generally we humans have to be in a pretty painful place in our lives to allow that possibility to enter into our hearts.


Mystical experiences can take a variety of forms. They can happen while you’re awake, or in a state of meditation and even in a dream, like in my case: This is the entry I wrote the morning after the night of my planned suicide.


Journal entry January 17, 2009

I am on an airplane that is zooming through a crisp night sky. I somehow know that my horse is aboard with me and I feel comforted knowing he is there, although I cannot see him. I notice I am the only passenger on board but feel comfortable with being alone. I am sitting on the right side and can see ahead into the cockpit. The plane is very clean, the seats are blue. I feel content sitting there. I see two people in the cockpit up ahead dressed in uniform; one is a woman and one a man. They are bustling about and I see them begin to panic. I am made aware that the plane is in trouble, but I feel no panic. The cockpit door is open and I can see the consoles and panels. I know that the plane is going to explode from the front, and I am going to die. My emotion is relief at solving the lifelong mystery that exists in the back of everyone’s mind; the great unasked question as to how and when we are going to die. Suddenly, the cockpit explodes in catastrophic bang and flames come rushing forth like a soft wave of giant orange and yellow feathers, floating surreally towards me. Time seems suspended. For a moment I look down at my arms and see the hair curl quickly and i see them poof up in wisps of smoke and I begin to burn, a whiff of burning hair and flesh. And then I am…somewhere else.

There is no pain, and I am not surprised or shocked. I feel comfortable and at home. I look around at this room, all white and smooth and clean-looking as if the walls themselves aremade of light. I see a door in front of me, which is also white, but almost imperceptible. There is also a grey door to my right, but I am not at all attracted to that one, even though it has handles and is clearly easier to access and open. I walk unhesitatingly to the white door and push on it slightly. It swings open easily and noiselessly, revealing a vast awe-inspiring canvas of natural beauty.


I feel immediately surrounded by God; I am a part of God, or the Tao…the energy of ALL. In that moment, I feel my eternal self expand upward and outward and shudder with happiness. I know that I am part of this place as I am a part of every place. As if every environment exists all in one. It is awesome and beautiful. I feel Joy; incredible overwhelming joy and freedom unlike anything I have ever known.

Although the door hangs over what seems to be an unending precipice which lies below my feet, I am not afraid at all, because I suddenly know this is where I come from; it is where we all come from. It doesn’t look any different from “here”, but it is EVERYTHING. I understand there that there is nothing that separates anything; you or me or that tree, we are all the same. We are The All. The view from the door is amazing; rolling mountains covered in soft white snow the sky a crisp azulene blue. Below me are farmers and animals; sheep, goats and cows grazing on grass more verdant than anything I had ever seen. I can see waterfalls all around, and above me birds dashed in and out of enormous white clouds. I do not mistake this place for the “heaven” of my Catholic youth; it was much more than that. It was “earth”- not separate or apart. I could feel everyone I knew and loved alive or dead, there was no difference in the feeling, and they were fine. Everything feels together, in perfect synchronicity.


I know somehow that if I step out that door, I will not fall to my death, but will somehow be liberated and able to fly…I will be able to just BE ME for a while. A “while” is relative though because there is no “time” like we understand it. Everything just is, and the essence of me that is eternal (did I meet my soul???) stepped forward in an instant. There was no ego and therefore no fear in me and no need for speech or “thought”. Everything flowed in and through me, through everyone…we were, all at once. It felt like God was giving me a small break; a reminder of where I came from. A little furlough from human life because he knew I was at such a crossroads and it was time. Everything felt light and unimpeded. I stepped out and flew joyfully around the mountains. I looked at the people and animals and recall a sense of total love for them. I went in a sort of semi-circle enjoying my freedom for a while until I knew I had to go back to the room. I had more things to learn there but since time didn’t move in the same way, I felt no pressure; only a knowing that everything happens when it is meant to and I could move about freely. Everything felt congruent, and everything was everything all together; there was no separation in anything and I felt so free!


Eventually I decided to come back to the white door where I found my grandmother, now much younger, maybe mid twenties or early thirties. Although this was younger than I had ever seen her of course, I knew her well. She died nearly 15 years ago at 96 years old. She was sitting at a table with another woman I don’t know, both dressed in beautiful brown soft cotton smocks like North American pioneer women in the 1800’s. They were busying themselves exchanging thoughts and making ornately carved and polished wooden boxes. She welcomed me warmly and we greeted each other like old friends. We spoke with no words; no one spoke in fact. We all just…communicated. I asked her about the boxes and she explains that they keep our memories safe, and that I would be shown them by my mother when it was my time to know these things. I am aware of my mother lingering in the tent where the other box makers were assembled, but I don’t see her. I knew she would not yet come out to see me.

I say goodbye to my grandmother and I see a man waiting for me. He is young and handsome. He looks like a 30-year-old hippie from the 1960’s; someone I would want to befriend. He is wearing a cut off green army vest donning a peace patch on a worn left breast pocket, a plaid shirt, old jeans and running shoes. He has five o’clock shadow, and the most beautiful smiling blue eyes I have ever seen. I know him as an old friend. He has a tattoo on his face of a fish hooking his lower lip and I get the funny irony right away and laugh. He laughs with me…always so peaceful in his eyes. (The remarkable part of this that I noticed afterwards and upon reflection of my emotions of the event was that I didn’t feel “less than”, or “unequal to” this man. We were equals. He was a gentle teacher and not an authority over me. He was a companion, and a uniting presence and I knew that he had always been there). He is pushing a baby carriage and tells me to follow him because he has something to teach me. Again, no words pass between us, He speaks in my mind…or even in a deeper place than I can describe. He takes me onto a bus where, and I sit down. He starts playing with the baby in the carriage and making him laugh. Until that point, I had noticed but not really paid much attention to the baby; now, all I could hear and feel and see even was the resonance of his laughter, and I knew suddenly that the baby was God. The indescribable feeling that I received from hearing that baby laugh was my experience of God; that was how God was explained to me. I felt God, and God feels like Joy.  I thank the man, and we quietly walk back to the room, no words needed to pass between us. Suddenly, I am “alone” in the room; I can no longer “see” him, but I feel him with me, beside me. I am awoken by a 6:00 a.m. phone call advising me that my niece had been institutionalized for attempting suicide that night. My life changed from that moment onwards.


The next few weeks were spent floating on a spiritual pink cloud. Everything felt congruent, cohesive and meaningful. I was filled with abundant love and goodwill and a desire to help everyone in any way I could.  I felt completely connected with the world and everything and everyone in it. Then, a process began unravelling inside of me which I have since seen others go through.  I began to experience synchronicity and coincidence and symbolic communication from the energy of the universe one instance after another. I became hyper-aware of a spiritual presence in my life at all times. I began to observe other’s experiences and read about mysticism in the past and found many parallels to my own experience which over time validated the authenticity of the event to me.

In my desire to maintain this feeling of connectedness I decided to develop a method which would work for me. I started to look for spiritual teachers and others to share their experiences. My expectations of what others knew of this kind of experience were very low; I thought at best we would emerge a tiny secret society of potentially crazy people who believe they have experienced a God consciousness.  I instead found that the mystical shift had become more mainstream accepted even in our western culture and each person is experiencing in a unique and individual way.  I discovered many common threads between my experience, those of well known ancient mystics and people who had near-death experiences.


The awakening of one individual after another is contributing to what we are now becoming aware of and referring to an emerging Global Consciousness.  This united intuition is allowing us to understand the basic functionality of our world in a very unique way. It is vitally important that we begin to use this new and empowering understanding in every dimension of our lives.  In this book, I will share my own experiences to help others to connect to their inner resources and move forward with conviction in their newly discovered spiritual knowledge.

Everyone has the capacity to have this experience. The only ingredient required for getting there (which is nowhere at all) is willingness. In the past mystical experiences were reserved for Catholic saints, meditating Buddhists and reclusive monks. Today, more and more individuals are experiencing a shift which makes them feel more connected to the planet and to all living things. They feel a slowing down of their material desires and a great need for communion with the essentials of life. We are coming upon a collective awareness which is so extreme and profound that it will change every single thing we think and do.  Our actions of course will naturally change as our thinking doesand once again the Universe is giving us what we need; a new experience of life.  Our job is to understand it and ourselves and to use this new comprehension of where we belong in the grand scheme of things in the most productive and conscious way possible.


ONE MIND: Introduction

24 May


By J. Brault

A Beginner’s Guide To Personal Consciousness Shift


The first 30 years or so of my life were spent in a state very much like sleep. I ran through my life making choices based on what I had been told rather than what I knew.  Like a blindfolded person in a forest running unceremoniously into random trees and consequences, I was not yet aware of the landscape of my life or theexperiences that contributed to who I believed I was. I cared more about what others thought of me than what I thought of myself. This is what I had been taught by my culture, my family and friends.  I had lost the ability to listen to my own intuition, having been taught to mind my parents and the things they cared about more than what I felt inside. In adulthood, I went about making important decisions based on motivations I didn’t even know I had. It is normal that we are told as young people what the expectations we should ahve of our life are.  It is also necessary in adulthood to take responsibility for what we believe and this time presents itself differently for everyone.

I was governed almost entirely by fear of failure and regret- my ego or the part of my mind which identifies me as human and finite.  I was more devastated having disappointed my parents or teachers than if I had disappointed myself. Very often I found myself afraid and feeling quite hopeless and helpless.  I had no clue what it meant to live life joyfully, and despite all the Sundays I attended church with my family, having my first communion and attending Sunday school, I didn’t have the first idea what faith was. The world felt like a crazy out of control place that was going to eat me alive. And, looking at my parents as an example of what life looked like, I figured you grew up, worked allot, got miserable and died. Nothing looked very proimising from where I stood for many years, but I developed the “chameleon” abiity of blending in with my surroundings to gain acceptance of the world around me.  Soon I was unable to distinguish between the “masked” and the “real” me.

I became as increasingly unhappy as anyone living an incongruent life can be.  Over time this hopelessness unravelled into what they called clinical depression and bi-polar disorder. The doctors tried to find solutions through a variety of pharmaceuticals, my family tried to reason it away with our personal family demons and friends did what they could, but until I experienced a deep personal shift of my own, happiness would forever elude me.  After 17 years of doctors and drugs and exterior solutions I eventually found that there was no person, no pill, no drug, no situation that could create happiness for me – it would have to come from within a deep dark hidden place that I had lost access to a long time before. It would have to come from a total change of my mind – I needed a miracle.

I have learned that we always get what we need. All ways.


Around 1997 my life began a complete unravelling process. Looking back now it almost seems choreographed perfectly, although it certainly didn’t seem like that at the time standing in the middle of a chaotic mess; it felt more like I was about to drown in circumstance.

My father had died leaving a great rift of fear, sadness and lack of resolution in my life.  My marriage was dissolving before my eyes and I was home parenting my three young children who were at the time all under 6 years old.  Everything I thought life would be like when I was younger was the opposite of what I had created.  My family of origin had become uncommunicative and distant and I felt increasingly alone in a world full of people.  I had long before given up playing guitar, drawing, writing or painting, feeling as though these activities were a waste of time since they did not contribute to the family coffers or make a meal appear. Eventually my world became smaller and smaller until I stopped answering the door or the telephone and holed myself in, firmly resolved to be as uninvolved in people and relationships as possible since everyone else seemed to be the problem. I had not yet identified that the common factor throughout all of these unhappy situations was in fact me.

The marriage fell apart and I moved out with my three children, the dog and cats, a coffee table and their bedroom furniture. I got a job and began attending a self help group which emphasized use of the 12 steps.  After a while, I found my voice again, and began to play guitar with the new friends I was making. I began to draw and pain and write slowly, shaking out the stiffness of so many years lacking in self expression.   Later my job and my world began to open up and I found myself in a new life, with a new husband and now seven children.  Luckily, my second husband was a musician and so we pursued music together and found so much happiness in sharing this experience.  My life as a professional musician took off with his support, and for a long time, things developed neatly along these lines. But, creativity can only go as far as the creator, and so my music was not evolving after a time because I wasn’t evolving. Although I had changed a great deal about my exterior circumstances I found that my perceptions about life had followed me because my thinking had not changed.   I was repeating the same mistakes, just in a different context.

I realized I was terrified of major changes again after the experiences I had during my first marriage and subsequent divorce, and that this fear was controlling many of the decisions I was making – or avoiding. I was standing still, not moving forward, afraid to create any chaos and change which I didn’t feel I would be able to handle. My life had become “good enough” and I coasted through it, trying to maintain the precarious balance, hesitant to shake up any of the waters. I was trying to control the uncontrollable until of course the universe interceded on my behalf and shook things up a little.

With seven young children running around it was very easy to hide behind the  circumstances of my life.  I was busy, involved, teaching, doing soccer, making meals, 16 loads of a laundry every three days, balancing an impossible budget. Tere was loads to take me away from my central issue, which of course was ME.  We had a large house, a garden and a pool. It was easy to find ways to stay busy. But, quietly in the background I had this unhappiness was once again building inside of me.  I piled activity upon activity until I was certain I wouldn’t have to stand still and face the ultimate challenge – my mind.

As well all know though, avoidance only makes problems grow. I became so deathly afraid of change and even just normal life situations that I suffered from horrendous anxiety attacks which would cause me to pull my car over in the middle of a busy highway, not answer the phone and never ever go to the mailbox.

I thought the unverse hated me. I took the evnts of my life not only personally, but as a slight.  Soon I perceived every event in life was present to cause me pain and fear and stress.  I remember often saying in my head “I must have been VERY bad in a previous life”  that obviously if there was a God- He was punishing me.

Over time, I created everything I feared.  I feared loneliness, so I found myself alone. I feared failure, so I failed.  I fear attack from others, and was attacked. I feared negative judgement from my community and found myself branded with a giant scarlet “S”.  Physically I became frequently sick. I was overweight from the medications, and my heart would beat so quickly that on a couple of occasions I thought I was having a heart attack. Even worse, my only sanctuary had been found in singing, but had now become so terrifying for me I was sick before nearly every performance.  My songs were tentative and didn’t flow from my heart and I worried constantly about what the audience thought of me so I stopped writing music afraid to reveal too much of myself to the world.

About ten years after all of this, in 2007, we moved onto our first farm.  I believed this would be the answer to finding happiness.  However, the farm became another perfect opportunity to dive into work and avoid myself again.  The unhappiness continued to grow.  My life was developing with or without my help. Being on a farm had been my dream since my earliest memories.  I had always loved farm work and now I found myself working 16 hours a day, running a riding school, boarding stable, lessons, shows, kids, school, driving, meals, shopping, stalls, singing – there was never a time in my days where I sat quietly to gather myself.  I just kept running from one marathon to another until I was exhausted beyond recognition.

In 2009 I was done. I had reached a bottom of unparalleled depths. My children now older didn’t need me as much, we had moved to a new farm and life had become quieter since closing the riding school and just having our own quiet country life. I found myself with a great deal of open space and time which I had no idea how to fill. Without any chaos to fill the quiet spaces, I unravelled once again into a seven week depression that lasted until one night I decided that I could not see any possible future for myself and would end it.  I felt without purpose and without hope or desire.  I no longer had children, family or chaos to blame my unhappiness on, I didn’t have an extremely busy life; I only had TIME and it felt like horrendous torture, alone with my mind.  I couldn’t even decipher my own thoughts, they were so pent up and running so fast.

I went to bed one January night with a new resolve. With all of my pills lined up beside me; Lithium, Seroquil. Desyrl – I felt like an emotional cripple.  I didn’t know where I belonged in this life anymore and I wanted to check out. The plan was that I would sleep until everyone was asleep, maybe until 3:00am which had lately become my weird hour of waking. I would get into my pick-up truck leaving a note that I couldn’t sleep and had gone for a drive (not terribly abnormal for me in those days).  During that drive, I would go as far as I could until I would find the perfect highway underpass to run my truck into, causing myself to die and no one else.  I didn’t want my children living with the legacy of suicide and felt this was the best option. I felt a kind of relief on this decision. Ironically and because I had simply “given up” control over my future, I fell into a rare and deep sleep. My life was about to completely turn around and I didn;t even see it coming.